Service, Tipping, and how to be a Good Guest

I've been reading a lot lately on what people expect when they go out, how much they tip, etc.  It's always a heated conversation when people start discussing tipping - in the comment board Bruni's blog recently, a fellow commenter suggested I "get a hold of myself" when I suggested I made a fairly decent living being a server.  Another commenter became heated when I mentioned I expect to leave work with a certain percentage of tips after tipping out my fellow workers, stating she would never want to sit in my section; she only wants people to wait on her who would be "happy with 15%."  While I don't want to descend into a diatribe on tipping, I thought it would be interesting to discuss service from a server's point of view. 

First, I'll start by telling you my service pet peeves when I go out, just so you know I'm human.

My biggest pet peeve, an offense almost always committed by bartenders, is thinking, because I am in the business, I want to listen to you whine and complain how terrible your night has been.  If I'm paying $9 for this martini, your job is to listen to me whine, not the other way around.  Of course, I have a few friends who are bartenders, and they are exempt from this rule.  Here's how to tell: if you don't have my number in your cell phone, you're not on that list.  As a server, I tell everyone I'm having a great night.  No one wants to hear about my problems.

My second biggest pet peeve is not refilling my drink.  My rule, as a server, is if the guest has 1/4 of their drink left, I offer another.  A few rare people see this me trying to boost my check average, but I think most people want the comfort of knowing their next drink is on the way before they finish their current drink.  This is especially true in a bar, especially in a bar on a Friday night, when people are decompressing from work.

Another pet peeve is the condescending server.  Of course, the server might know more than I do, but there are nice ways of educating your guests.  Years ago, I ordered a stuffed calamari steak in a restaurant.  when it arrived, an entire squid on a plate, it proved impossible to be cut through (even with a steak knife), chewed or otherwise eaten in any way.  When I brought this to the server's attention, he said in a very scoffing tone "Oh, you've probably only ever eaten fried calamari, so you don't know what to do."  Actually, I do know that if you cook calamari correctly, or treat the steak properly before cooking, it can be edible.  Your chef obviously doesn't know that.  See?  Years later, I still harbor a small amount of hostility towards that restaurant.  Your server should not offer excuses; they should try to make you happy.

Okay, those are my top three pet peeves.  Now let's talk about how to get the most out of your dining experience.

1. Make a reservation: this typically ensures you will get a better table, and it also gives the restaurant and your server an opportunity to learn your name.  As you become a regular in a restaurant, they can look forward to your arrival and maybe even go out of their way to make sure your evening is special.  We used to have a couple who would come in (they moved), and when we saw their name on the books, someone would go around the corner to buy some biscotti for them, because they enjoyed it with their after dinner drinks.
2. Be specific about what you want.  If you want to know the price of a special or something, ask!  Personally, I don't list prices when I am reciting specials, unless it is out of the price range of our standard menu, but I will always happily tell you the price.  If you require something along with your meal that isn't automatically served, the time to tell your server is when you are ordering.  If the special item hasn't arrived by the time your food does, remind your server.  I have one guest who gets everything plain and dips every bit (no matter what the item) into aged balsamic vinegar and Parmesan cheese.  She always tells you when she's ordering, and I bring it as soon as the bread arrives.
3. When it comes to wine, do not let the server bully you into buying something out of your desired price range, and specify which glass of wine you want, to avoid being given the $15 glass.  Which brings me to another pet peeve, something I have never been able to do with good conscience.  I don't agree with the server who, when a guest orders "a Cabernet," will bring the most expensive one.  I will usually bring the house cab, or list the glass pours, saying "good better best."  The best wine on the list is not always the most expensive, and a good server will take pride in pairing you with a wine you'll love.  The extra 50 cents is not an incentive for me, because I'm the sort of person who will mull over a service-related offense for quite some time, and I wouldn't want the guest to awake in the morning and say "I can't believe our waitress brought me 4 glasses of $18 wine without telling me!  I'm never going back!"  Indeed, I get a kick out of recommending some of our more "value" wines, especially when it's noted by the table that I didn't pick out the most expensive.  "Now you know I'm honest!" I always say.  A good restaurant will have good wine options in all price ranges.
4. Here's an example: I was eating in a local restaurant, and the server suggested a wine as being their "special feature."  This wine was not on the list, and I knew it to be rather expensive - around $65 a bottle - and blurted it out without even thinking.  He king of hemmed and hawed, and finally admitted the wine was $22 a glass.  If I would have ordered that without knowing, I would be livid.
5. Husband and I are working on an "ordering wine" tutorial, so I won't go into that now.
6. If something is wrong, incorrectly cooked, tastes bad, or isn't how it was described, allow the server to fix it for you.  It doesn't do anyone any good to wait until you're leaving to air your grievance.  Try to get as much information about something when you are ordering, making any special requests known (it's the easiest time), but if something is amiss, tell your server, and give them an opportunity to fix the problem.  They should be happy to.  I wouldn't worry about your food being "sabotaged."  I've been in the restaurant business a long time, and I have never seen food sabotaged.  It might be a guttural, childish temptation, but the truth is, no one has the time.
7. Be aware when the problem is the server's fault, and how they fix the problem.  Here's an example: the other night, I had four people were really enjoying themselves, they had some good wine and food, and one man's steak was overcooked.  Really overcooked.  He sent it back - as he should have - but this requires an entirely new steak, and it takes awhile.  I got him a small salad to munch on with the rest of the party.  He got a new steak without sitting, dinnerless, for 10 minutes (an eternity when you have nothing to do but watch your friends eat), and I felt as though I handled the situation well, and my tip proved it - 22%.  This is what I mean by knowing if something is the server's fault: obviously I didn't cook the steak, but I took responsibility for what happened and worked quickly to resolve the situation.  The diner did his part by expecting to get his money's worth.  There's nothing wrong with that.
8. I don't know if it's my place to say what an appropriate tip is, being that I have a rather selfish interest in it.  Or rather, the people who expect payment for the cable, phones, etc in my house do.  Nearly all of the people I wait on are wonderful and generous.  I usually figure I'm the one who determines how much money I make, which is why I don't feel I should tell others what to tip.  Just to say:
9. If the service is bad, tip accordingly.  It it's good, do the same.  And, if you're unhappy, don't go back. 
10. I hope this has been helpful.  I'm just trying to help you get the most out of your dining experience, especially when you are paying dearly for the privilege.  No one wants to shell out $200 on dinner for two and walk away feeling maltreated.  Of course, there are loads of bad servers out there; there are loads of bad managers and restaurant owners out there, but hopefully you won't be unlucky enough to have them serving you.