Okay, so recently I've been reading some restaurant critics - I don't do this too often, because in truth, the restaurant scene in Columbus isn't competitive enough to have the sorts of critics one sees in New York or San Francisco, but recently, a (server) friend of mine asked if I had read Frank Bruni's article about restaurant server speak.
(Go ahead, read it. The story, the blog post with comments.)
I thought the article was a little entertaining, but I couldn't see the point of it. Who cares if I say "Pardon my reach" when a simple "excuse me" will do? I do say that, by the way, all the time. Sometimes I'll mix it up and say "pardon my elbow in your face." The reason I say that is because sometimes I'm waiting on a table where I have no choice but to reach all the way across the table; just because someone's starring guidelines says clear from the right doesn't mean restaurant designers always decide to situate the tables in a such a way that this can be accomplished.) I say the same things all day, every day, and I do agree that I hate the kind of rote nonsense lots of corporate restaurants make their server say "Hi, I'm Lisa and I'll be your server today. Have you ever eaten at Splendidos before? No? Well then let me take a minute to explain the menu." (I actually worked in a restaurant once where we were supposed to say that sort of thing, but I never did, because I'm a rebel like that. And then, I worked in a restaurant where we were never supposed to say that.) I've read guest comments where they hate it when the server announces their name (I never do), and I've had guests who whine that I haven't told them my name. None of this changes the fact that I have to say "excuse me," or "pardon my reach," or whatever 700 times a day. Who cares if I say it in a way you find odd.
I also make the same jokes all the time. At the previous restaurant where I worked, we always had a ton of specials. Five times a year, we changed our menu and for that week, we wouldn't have specials. Every time a guest asked "any specials?" I'd say "we just changed our menu, so everything's special." And then we'd all have a good little laugh. Now I work in a restaurant where we never have specials, and sometimes, especially when I'm opening a bottle of wine, my table will look at me expectantly, and I say something like "normally this is the time when I'd be telling you about specials, but we don't have any specials, so now all I can do is babble about how I have nothing to say. How's that Havens syrah?" Ever time I pour a particularly heady beer for a guest and they're waiting for their beer with baited breath, I sing "Anticipation." Any time a table asks me to take their picture, I make a big show of how I'm going to count to 3, and then I take the picture on 2, and everyone is surprised and laughs, and their eyes are open. It's a hoot. Wow. I am such a dork.
I also completely overuse the word "enjoy," another pet peeve touched on in the article. Practically every time I drop something off at a table, I say "enjoy." So what? It's a nice word, and it shows that I care. It's also a command, and a hint - if I say enjoy it and you don't, then you know I will take it back and get you something else should you find yourself unable to follow my instructions. I didn't cook it, and it's no skin off my back.
The funny thing is, guests always say the same things, too. I couldn't even count the number of times I have laughed when a guest, surrendering their licked-clean plate says "oh, it was terrible." I actually do laugh when the guest says it in such a way that I take them seriously. And then we all have a laugh.
After I thought I had finished writing this, I read an even more ridiculous article on the "Napkin of Shame." In which the author (again, Bruni) describes his horror at having a napkin placed upon the tablecloth in front of him when he dribbles food on it. Fine, the next time you accidentally slop butter sauce on the tablecloth, I'll just leave it there so you can continuously rake your cuff through it. Ditto the chocolate sauce at dessert - maybe you can lick it off in the cab ride home, for a little snack. Equally strange are the comments he receives; some people defend the servers, but others go on to talk about how they hate it when the server crumbs the table, "especially when they offer bread service." Again, it's not to shame the diner, it's to get the crumbs off the table. Sometimes, a diner will scoop all of their crumbs up into a little pile - should I just leave them there? He's already done half of the work!
My favorite comment came from "Adam:" "I received the napkin of shame at a lunch with law firm colleagues at Jean-Georges. It was humiliating, especially when they made fun." Who is this horrid man who can't take a little ribbing from his colleagues? I'm scared of this person. Anyone who feels so humiliated by this situation (especially the sort of person who has reached a point in their life where one is able to have lunch with law firm colleagues at Jean-Georges) clearly has some sort of creepy personality disorder. Many commenters lament the wine dribbled on the table by their server, so I'll just admit it: I'm a wine dribbler. Usually only the first glass from squarer-shouldered bottles (think of a cabernet bottle, vs. the sloping pinot noir bottle); they drip, and I'm not long-armed enough to always do the napkin in one hand, bottle in the other trick. I've probably opened 10,000 bottles of wine in my life, and I still drip at least one drop from every other bottle. It's something I'll work on, as long as you don't whine when I perform table maintenance. If you do, I'll just leave all the crumbs/drips/globs of pork fat/what-have-you and you can drag your hands and elbows through it all you want; it's not my dry-cleaning bill.
I suppose the point here is that, with how frequently diners complain about lazy, indifferent or rude service, it seems petty to start to whine about servers being over-attentive. All diners are different, and servers work very hard to please everyone - I guess this just supports that old adage - you can't please all the people all they time. But, we'll still try.
So, what are your service pet peeves? Go ahead, I'm not afraid.
