I like to think I am not one to scream "sexism!" I am loathe to admit when it happens, even if it seems fairly obvious. This might be because I tend to get along better with guys (because I'm crass, drink bourbon, and have a mouth like a sailor, I imagine) and have been fortunate to have lots of men in my adult life who treat women as equals. Husband is always willing to listen to my ideas and acknowledge when they are good (and sometimes make fun of them when they're bad); together we usually come up with great ideas. I have worked in situations where my ideas weren't accepted, but I usually find those times are when there is a generational gap or a difference in understanding the situation.
Typically, if I feel ignored in a restaurant, I assume it's because whoever is ignoring me wants to talk to Husband about wine, work, or restaurants (this doesn't happen as much now as it did when I really was a Restaurant Widow). I try not to take it personally and understand that Husband is brilliant and interesting, while I am a complete failure at small talk.
All of this being said, on a recent excursion to a bar not in our fair city, I had this experience:
I had some writing to do, so I stayed behind while Husband went to a bar to get a drink. I met him about 20 minutes later. The bartender, a girl, had clearly developed a crush on Husband during the interim (this happens all the time, because Husband is aloof, uninterested, reading Decanter and wearing a wedding ring, a combination which seems to drive a certain type of girl mad). When I arrived, the bartender was pouring Husband his second drink. Although I was sitting directly next to Husband, she did not look at me or offer me a drink. I had to get her attention and ask the next time she walked past. As a side note, this is a particular pet peeve of mine - I prefer to have the bartender solicit me for a drink before I have to ask. Most of them do, because that is, after all, why I am perched at the bar.
I can forgive it one time, but then it got worse. Husband and I both finished our drinks and he got up to use the loo. Let me reiterate here that both of our cocktails were clearly empty. The bartender came up to me and said "would he like another drink?" WHAT?! Not "can I get you another round, or would you like another drink," but "would HE like another drink." This is where it's hard to not turn into a complete brat (or other "B" word) and turn this into a battle of wills for who can be top cat.
I replied "he isn't sure what he'd like next, but I'd like another one." "oh," she replied, as if this hadn't occurred to her.
Furthermore, she never cleared my empty cocktails away.
The only gratification I had was when she gave us the check and I took it, saying "oh, I'm paying." You could see the "oh, crap," in her eyes. She had flirted with the wrong person. Alas, it is against my nature to tip poorly, and in this case, didn't want to be seen as the sort of woman who can't stand anyone paying attention to her man, so I still tipped 20%. This whole interaction, even my reaction to it, is what confuses me about women and why I have a hard time in friendships with girls - there always seems to be this weird power struggle, and no matter how much I try to be above it, I get sucked in anyway.
However, the night before, we were at the same bar where a different female bartender chatted with both of us equally, discussing fancy cocktails, the city of Louisville, good food, and the Derby. She even gave us lots of suggestions on where to go and what to do during our trip. (oops, I guess I just gave it away) She got a 30% tip.
Because I am aware of this discrepancy, I really try to treat women well when I am waiting on them. I think it's natural for most (straight) people to pay more attention to members of the opposite gender, and aside from that, frequently the man is looked to in a dining situation to be decisive, order and taste the wine, etc.
So, why are women treated poorly in restaurants? As a server, I can tell you from my experience and others, that women make the following "mistakes" when dining (these are generalizations, mind you, please don't get all up in arms - I make the same mistakes): they are indecisive, and want their partners to order first. They can't decide what they want to drink. They want to wait for others to say they are going to drink first or get a salad, etc. They tend to ignore servers, they take forever to decide what they want or even start looking at them menu, they rarely pay for anyone else, always insisting on separate checks - even if everyone orders the same things, and they tend to linger at their table forever, meaning their server either won't be able to turn their table or go home.
Now, ensuring good service for women (well, for anyone, of course) relies heavily on the server. Because I know and accept these things about women, I prepare for it. I engage women in conversation, pour them wine to taste, allow them to be indecisive and take a long time, encourage them to relax, and prepare to always separate checks. A lot of this means the server should be willing to work around the desires of the table. I am far from perfect, and there are times I'm probably not a good server. But I do try to be sensitive and be sure I engage women in the dining experience.
How can women diners help? The biggest thing, I think, is to pay attention to your server the first time they arrive at the table. Order a drink, and if you want to chat and catch up with your friend, say "we are going to relax for awhile before we start looking at the menu." This will prepare your server to give you some space. I usually say something like "take your time - just flag me down when you are ready." Sometimes we set up a code, like "you just move your menus to the side when you are ready and I'll be right over to take your order."
What if the server is paying attention to your male companion but not to you? This is tricky, but if it is irritating you, I would say assert yourself. Ask questions and make eye contact. Force the server to pay attention to you. If they don't, tip accordingly and support restaurants where the service is equal.
