50 Dos and Don'ts for Restaurant Diners

While writing about my life in the service industry, I have been meaning to write a post like this for awhile.  A recent New York Times article inspired me to do it sooner rather than later.  Just for the record, I agreed with most of the 50 things restaurant workers should never do; our differences are mostly semantic.  I will probably never stop saying "so problem" or "no worries," because there's no way you will ever believe it is "my pleasure" to accept your used tissue, wadded up gum in a napkin, or pick all of the flax seeds out of the multigrain bread.  

1. Do not move your glass when I am trying to pour wine into it.
2. Do not hang your giant handbag on the back of your chair; place it under your seat.
3. Do not sit 3 feet away from the table.
4. Scoot your chair in after you stand up
5. Do not assume your server is an idiot. I know the definitions of your big words.
6. Do not brag about your wine knowledge unless you know what you are talking about.  Making fun of your server for recommending a white Burgundy when you ask for a great Chardonnay will not impress your friends.
7. Don't say stupid things like "I only drink super Tuscans."
8. Do not touch your server.
9. Never grab your server by the arm.  
10. Don't ask your server for wine recommendations if you plan to make fun of their selections.
11. Don't ask for a big chewy Pinot Noir.
12. Don't hand me plates unless I can't reach them.
13. Don't hand me things when my hands are full. How many arms do I appear to have?
14. Don't flag me down impatiently to order when you are the only person at the table who has looked at the menu.
15. Don't ignore me when I greet your table for the first time.  You are here for a reason, and it should not be an inconvenience for me to greet you or bring you a drink.
16. Don't ask to hear the specials and then proceed to start a conversation while I am reciting them.
17. Control your drinking. A nice restaurant is not the place to become become drunk and belligerent. That is what campus bars are for.
18. Please do not take narcotic medications and then begin drinking at dinner.  I will not be able to catch you when you pass out on your way to the bathroom.
19. You are an adult. Don't stomp your feet, start fights, make faces at veggies you don't like, etc.
20. Don't drop the owner's name. If you are really that good of friends with the owner, call him on his cell phone and ask him to get you in for dinner at 7:30 on a Saturday night.  
21. Name dropping in general is incredibly tacky. It's something I'll never understand.
22. Do not ask for a larger table than the number of people you have on a busy night unless you have a physical necessity (ie, have to prop a leg in a cast up on a chair). The restaurant needs every table to fulfill their reservations, and you can sit on opposite side of the table every once in awhile.
23. If you are going to bring extra children with you for dinner, please include them in your reservation.  They do take up space.
24. Try not to get in fights and start crying at the table. It isn't good for anyone.
25. Don't go to a bar alone, drink to much, and then start telling the bartender about how you are stalking your ex boyfriend.
26. Cheat on your spouses on your own time, in your own space.  It is not a restaurant's job to cover up for you, and it is an insult to think a 20 spot will convince us otherwise.  
27. Don't tell your server you are "going to take care of" her.  We know you are lying.
28. Don't assume your entire table want to start dinner off with a bottle of Cabernet. 
29. Just because you don't want a martini before dinner doesn't mean your date doesn't. Don't answer for her.
30. Decide who is driving home before entering the restaurant.  I don't want to listen to your domestic argument regarding who gets to have a third glass of wine.
31. If something goes wrong, give the restaurant a chance to fix it. 
32. If you are in a hurry, let your server know as soon as you sit down.
33. If you are in a hurry, don't order 4 courses and then linger over the first.
34. Don't try to make a reservation at 7, get denied, and show up at 7 anyway.  
35. You don't have a reservation for the patio. No one has a reservation for the patio. Lying about it won't help your case.
36. Every once in awhile, you might have to wait 1 minute for the valet. Can you possibly be that impatient?
37. Sometimes restaurants run out of things.  Wine, specials, etc. That's because the best things come in limited quantities. 
38. Do not snap, whistle, clap, or do any other degrading things to get my attention. I am not a dog, I am a human being. Making eye contact will usually suffice.
39. Do not try to talk to me while I am talking to another table. Are you serious?
40. It really isn't amusing to purposefully chat through the specials and then giggle while making me repeat them 4 times. Most people learned this lesson in kindergarten.
41. Do not make lewd comments to your server. She is not working in the pleasure sector. 
42. Do not make out to the point of undress in a restaurant. No one wants to see it.
43. If you don't want to order your entire meal at once, don't be surprised when it takes 30 minutes between each course.
44. Well done meat takes a long time to cook.  We aren't using a microwave back here. If you enjoy meat with no pink, you should know that it takes awhile. Be prepared to wait.
45. When your server looks at everyone and says "would you like some coffee," this is the appropriate time to order it. Don't order it one at a time.
46. Pay your bill when it arrives, especially when you ask for it.
47. Leave an indication that there is a payment method in your check presenter.  This is why the slot for the credit card is at the top, making the card stick out a bit.
48. don't be the last table in the restaurant.
49. Don't linger more than 20 minutes after paying, particularly if it is a weekend night.  This is the time to retire to a bar or someone's home.
50. If you like a restaurant and want them to like you, tip well and be nice. It's the best way to become a VIP.  Being a jerk never works.